Today was a very rare occasion in which I got dressed in my own room, instead of the bathroom downstairs where I normally dress.

I saw my naked self in my full length mirror. From the back.

Enough said.

This house is not a home.

I have a job. A job I got all on my own.

My job isn’t good enough. I should look for another one, or work for a person I hate so I can make more money.

I try to be my best as a daughter.

My best isn’t good enough.

I try to tell her how I feel.

I alienate or offend her.

I try to get ahead, try to live my own life.

They insist on holding me back.

Sometimes I think about telling her.

I hurt myself. I still hurt myself. I can’t stop. And it’s all his fault.

Would you like to know how I got these scars?

I haven’t even been home a week, and I’ve cried myself to sleep almost every night.

I think it’s funny that my sister thinks our relationship would be solved if we just sat down and “hashed things out.”

I couldn’t go to the college I fell in love with because he lied to me. I lost a great opportunity, because he lied to me. I got my hopes up for nothing, because he lied to me.

So instead I put myself (90% of the time) through my first year of school at a community college, which even though I’m getting a great education at, I still sometimes wonder what would have happened if I could have went to Caz.

I pay all my bills, buy my own clothes, take responsibility for my actions (and sometimes even the actions of others), am for the most part a responsible adult, and he treats me like a fuck up. Because I have a pierced lip, a few tattoos, and actual FRIENDS who like to spend time with me.

And he expects me to be grateful.

Sorry I’m not at home much.

Sorry I’m not an A+ student.

Sorry you fucked up your life, so now you feel like you have to fuck up mine too.

Sorry I try my fucking hardest and I still can’t live up to your standards.

I really hope you enjoy the next three months, dad.

Because after this, I won’t be home again.

You look like someone I could love tonight without the fuss.

I'm going to be blatantly honest, because I can be. Because no one really reads this anyways. It's more for my personal enjoyment. So here we go.

I had a really vivid sex dream the other night. And as some people may or may not know, I have this thing going on where I wake up and I can still feel everything in my dream. Like, physically.

Anyways, I woke up and went, "Jesus, well that was awful."

It made me realize I'm pretty okay with where I'm at. Read: being a virgin. Yes, I am the type of person who wants, craves, is desperate for some affection/attention/occasional feeling up.

But I'm realizing I'm also the type of person that when that happens, I'm going to be terrified. So it can't be with a stranger, or a random person that I met two hours prior and can't even remember their name. After what happened with what'shisname last semester, I'd really rather not find myself shirtless in the dark, a naked guy in front of me, terrified to move.

Does that make me a prude? No. Does it mean I want to wait till marriage or something? No. It just means that my selection process is difficult. I don't trust easy, and when I do trust someone enough for that, it's going to mean a lot. It's going to be a serious thing for me.

Right now I'm really trying to focus on myself. Trying to get healthier, loose this weight. And I can tell that a huge part of me is motivated by the thought that maybe I'll meet someone. Does that make me stupid? I think it makes me human. I think everyone needs someone and they'll do crazy things to get them. Mine just happens to be productive and healthy.

In other news: I'm having nightmares about a job I haven't even started yet, I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail my History class, and I'd really love a glass of wine before bed.