I'm excited to move in tomorrow. I may not even sleep.

Hopefully this year will be amazing.

I gotta feeling.

I know it's been a long while since I've updated this. Nowadays I mostly use it to follow some health blogs, and a few others.

My summer's been semi eventful. I'm trying to get my life together in the next few weeks, preparing to go back to school. I have a lot of things I want to accomplish this year. I want better grades, for one. I'm not stupid, and I know I can push myself to do a lot better than I did last year. I feel like I deserve it, and owe it to myself to make the best of the education that I'm paying for.

Speaking of paying, I took out a loan this year. Whoo, big responsibility. But because of this, I won't have any unpaid bills this year, and will even get some money back at the end of the semester. Goals that I'm setting for myself this year, besides grades include: staying in Plattsburgh for part of winter break, to catch up on my math courses, getting a second job after work study to support myself and save for an apartment for the summer. I've pretty much decided I'm not coming home again for any extended period of time. It's just not a good thing.

Anyways, yeah. It's a lot to accomplish, but I think I'll be able to handle it.

I find it almost hilarious that the night I put my cat to sleep was the night I almost lost my virginity.

Today was a very rare occasion in which I got dressed in my own room, instead of the bathroom downstairs where I normally dress.

I saw my naked self in my full length mirror. From the back.

Enough said.

This house is not a home.

I have a job. A job I got all on my own.

My job isn’t good enough. I should look for another one, or work for a person I hate so I can make more money.

I try to be my best as a daughter.

My best isn’t good enough.

I try to tell her how I feel.

I alienate or offend her.

I try to get ahead, try to live my own life.

They insist on holding me back.

Sometimes I think about telling her.

I hurt myself. I still hurt myself. I can’t stop. And it’s all his fault.

Would you like to know how I got these scars?

I haven’t even been home a week, and I’ve cried myself to sleep almost every night.

I think it’s funny that my sister thinks our relationship would be solved if we just sat down and “hashed things out.”

I couldn’t go to the college I fell in love with because he lied to me. I lost a great opportunity, because he lied to me. I got my hopes up for nothing, because he lied to me.

So instead I put myself (90% of the time) through my first year of school at a community college, which even though I’m getting a great education at, I still sometimes wonder what would have happened if I could have went to Caz.

I pay all my bills, buy my own clothes, take responsibility for my actions (and sometimes even the actions of others), am for the most part a responsible adult, and he treats me like a fuck up. Because I have a pierced lip, a few tattoos, and actual FRIENDS who like to spend time with me.

And he expects me to be grateful.

Sorry I’m not at home much.

Sorry I’m not an A+ student.

Sorry you fucked up your life, so now you feel like you have to fuck up mine too.

Sorry I try my fucking hardest and I still can’t live up to your standards.

I really hope you enjoy the next three months, dad.

Because after this, I won’t be home again.

You look like someone I could love tonight without the fuss.

I'm going to be blatantly honest, because I can be. Because no one really reads this anyways. It's more for my personal enjoyment. So here we go.

I had a really vivid sex dream the other night. And as some people may or may not know, I have this thing going on where I wake up and I can still feel everything in my dream. Like, physically.

Anyways, I woke up and went, "Jesus, well that was awful."

It made me realize I'm pretty okay with where I'm at. Read: being a virgin. Yes, I am the type of person who wants, craves, is desperate for some affection/attention/occasional feeling up.

But I'm realizing I'm also the type of person that when that happens, I'm going to be terrified. So it can't be with a stranger, or a random person that I met two hours prior and can't even remember their name. After what happened with what'shisname last semester, I'd really rather not find myself shirtless in the dark, a naked guy in front of me, terrified to move.

Does that make me a prude? No. Does it mean I want to wait till marriage or something? No. It just means that my selection process is difficult. I don't trust easy, and when I do trust someone enough for that, it's going to mean a lot. It's going to be a serious thing for me.

Right now I'm really trying to focus on myself. Trying to get healthier, loose this weight. And I can tell that a huge part of me is motivated by the thought that maybe I'll meet someone. Does that make me stupid? I think it makes me human. I think everyone needs someone and they'll do crazy things to get them. Mine just happens to be productive and healthy.

In other news: I'm having nightmares about a job I haven't even started yet, I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail my History class, and I'd really love a glass of wine before bed.

Did you ever think we'd make it this far?

Last semester I never quite felt this end of term crunch as hard as I'm feeling it now.

My mood has seen quite the turn the last few weeks. Irritable, depressive, I barely come out of the hole that's become my room. I sat around with a few people in my lounge last night and someone said "Wow, I haven't seen you in almost a month, where have you been?"

Trying to save my college career, that's where I've been.

I also have the feeling this is me trying to prove something to my dad.

"Why yes, I DID get amazing grades, supported myself 90 % of the time, with little to no help from you."

Yeah, I'd really love to be able to say that.

In just a few short weeks I'll be back home and hopefully occupied most of the time with work. If I don't get many hours, I fear the need of a second job, and finding another job in Moriah where my lip piercing and tattoos don't have an effect on the employer is pretty hard to come by. Hopefully a second job will not be needed. (Summer mission: attain license and then see about a car.)

I'm really proud of myself that I've kept up my habit of working out, and plan to keep doing so. Tracking on Sparkpeople has helped me realize what exactly I'm putting in my mouth, and what should and shouldn't be going into this body. It's really rather pleasing to me that the jeans I'm wearing fit better than they ever have, and that they make me think my legs might even be sexy, at some point.

Nothing else too terribly important to mention, except that college makes me want to jump off a bridge sometimes.

Peace <3