I'm sick of living my life for his validation when I'm never going to get it.

wow.

it's really pathetic when the most thrilling thing I did all day was get past level 5 of Bookworm.

I used to be so original.

I can't help but to feel I'm nothing but the combined efforts of everyone else around me.

Mother had to put my dog down on Thursday. It just...wasn't possible to keep him alive. Not physically or financially. She's really broken up about it. I may be going home this weekend (Halloween) to see her and keep her company. I haven't decided yet.



Nick and Norah's Playlist was really excellent, btw.

There are times it seems, when everything's lost.

I hate seeing people destroy themselves for people they think love them. *sigh* It's everywhere. And I feel like I'm the only sane one left.

Body modifications!

Got a vertical labret, and my fifth tattoo. I'm spectacularly happy with both of them. Though I'm not too happy with my mother at the moment. She's pegged me as a money grubbing bitch who only calls her when I want something.

The complete opposite of the truth, of course. The only time I've called her for anything was when I needed to make a payment on my dorm and she hadn't put the money in from my father yet. I'm kind of sick of getting the end of her bad moods. I'm the one who gets to listen to her whine and complain about how she hates that I went away to school because she's got no life anymore. Well I'm sorry. I'm eighteen and I'm out living my life to it's fullest extent and you've had your life and now it's time for you to relax for once. She spent her life taking care of me and my sister and now that she can finally have some alone time, she doesn't want it. I understand that I'm the baby and that she's going to have a hard time letting go. I've just never been a person that'll want to stay in one place for the rest of her life. No way, siree.

So I'm back at college and I'm dreading my math midterm on Thursday. If I don't pass it, I most likely won't pass the class. Which...you know, would suck.

Aah. The Golden Girls and soggy Hamburger Helper microwave singles. I'm definitely a college student.

Your definition is a little askew.

sexual assault
n.

Conduct of a sexual or indecent nature toward another person that is accompanied by actual or threatened physical force or that induces fear, shame, or mental suffering.


I'm still trying to figure out if this happened to me or not. I went to see him, and I feel like I should have known what he wanted. He took things way too fast even after I told him that I needed them to be slow. I feel ashamed, used, decieved, and I was terrified at the time.


Doesn't that fit the definition?


(and now people know. Intensify the shame by a million.)

A new discovery

In what could be the biggest episode of me catching up with the world, I've just discovered Rufus Wainwright. And I LOVE him.

Somewhere over the rainbow.

I think I came to college with high hopes of falling in love, or maybe just finding someone that showed interest. And I think now that those dreams are just slightly off kilter, and maybe aren't going to turn out the way I want them to.



I think I've become the most cynical person that I know.

Za Intro

I've joined a lot of blog sites before and after re-reading entry upon entry of nonsense, I want to make this one a lot more personal and pinned on what really goes on in my head. So if anyone actually reads this besides me, expect a lot of chaos.